frig

I miss my Nan.

I will do a proper memorial when I feel strong enough.

For now I just miss her. I miss that she won't be here for thanksgiving. It sucks that she is not here to celebrate my promotion at work. I know that she would have been proud. My daughter just started junior kindegarten. It sucks that she is not there when she gets home from school everyday. She would have loved to see all her school work & loved to hear the stories of the playground. It sucks that she is not here to see my youngest learn to talk and watch her dance her heart out anytime there is music on. It sucks that she is no longer there to be a friend to my mom. She was the biggest inspiration in so many peoples lives.

It sucks that she's gone. It sucks that my first post after her death isn't the lovely memorial I wanted to write. I am not able to write anything beautiful yet. I'm stuck in sucksville. It sucks big time.

O.M.F.G.

I'll say it again.... OMFG
Last night I was a little down in the dumps (haha - dumps! - you'll get it later) so I was really lollygagging about getting in the shower. The hubby & I put the kids to bed & I decided to get it over and done with. So I went in the bathroom shut the door and turned on the shower. Let me first explain that I am not someone who openly has bowel movements. I will go to great extremes to make sure no knows that "that" has happened. My hubby is the same way.... so I figured since I had fully expressed my exhaustion, my hubby would have understood that I was not really in the mood and when I got out of the shower would prob want to just go to bed. So I am about to hop in the shower & figure I should maybe take the opportunity to go to the toilet before getting in the shower. I sat down and then the door opened. The hubby thought he would surprize me with a sexy shower. I hopped up hoping he didn't see that I was sitting on the can, and instinctively pushed the door closed. Duh. How stupid does that look? He asked what are you doing? I made some stupid lie and opened the door and invited him in. I don't really need to finish the story. What a close call. Holy hannah. 20 seconds later & we would have ended up getting divorced because I would be so embarassed that I would have had to lock myself in the bathroom & never came out. We would have to cut a little slot in the door to slide food into me. I would have never ever shown my face again... thank heavens my hubby is so horny & could not wait to get it on.... he still does not know what he almost walked in on. I will take it to my grave... ps. Get the down in the dumps now?

it's my own fault

I knew I shouldn't have said anything about being happy & in love. It always comes back to bite me in the butt.

i know I'm probably jinxing myself but....

I am so in love. Really truly, 100% in love. As corny as it is, I have married my soulmate. We are perfect for each other. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

today

When I wear flats, I am a foot dragger. I admit it. A total foot dragger. It seems I am too lazy to pick my foot up completely off the ground.

"Calling from the next hotel
Can you put me on the list?
Who we are now we will always be.
The best haircuts are taken."

The poor blue heron.
Everyday I see a blue heron flying by the exit I take to get off the hwy. Sometimes I think God was stoned when he created the poor bird. It only has these toothpick legs to hold it up when it wants to stand up. Then when it wants to fly it only has this pewnie little body to flap those big monstrous wings. I feel sorry for it. It never gets any relaxation. Standing & flying - it has to really be on its game, exerting every ounce of energy.

L grabbed the ice cream scoop from the drawer & brought it into the living room. She pretended to brush her hair with it. Then she tried brushing her sisters. I'm not talking nicely combing her hair with the ice cream scoop, I'm talking full on smashing her in the head. Luckily K is a good sport & laughed it off. Then K had too much & tried to walk away. L ollowed her swinging the scoop. L caught K, pushed her down, climbed on top of her & continued brushing her hair. We laughed hysterically. I tried to get a picture on my camera phone, but it all happened to fast...
Now before you call child services - K was laughing the whole time. I would have stopped it all at a moment if I thought it was bothering her.

like I'm 8 years old....

One of the compter systems I use at work has codes you type to get to the different screens. The main screen is called "wagn" pronounced wagon. Anyways, I type "wagn" about 50 million times a day. Wait, I retract that statement. I type "wagn" 40 million times a day and type"wang" the other 10 million. I am not kidding when I say I laugh EVERYTIME.

WANG!

Hilarious. I am 28 years old & seeing the word "wang" on my computer screen when it shouldn't be there cracks me up.

and just when I thought I was out.... they pulled me back in.

I love you.....
Too intense. I don't think there is a pill in the world that could fix this mess.

song choice

The Twist

We were too wasted to close the window
Friends & family lookin in
To my only hiding place
The rhythm of the strangers skin
Infidel to die for
What I am doing
Will happen
In the morning
When the mirror won't
Recognize me

The eyes have certain gestures
When we're lovin
To ask each other
Do you want it
Do you want me
I want it
It is you
You are where I want to be

Who is he
Why would I
Hitch a ride
When I can drive
Who is she
Why would I
Hitch a ride
When I can drive

Somebody put me back in school
I forget
everything I used to know
How to leave the boy behind
Without having to watch him go
Infidel to die for
What I am doing
Will happen
In the morning
When the mirror
Won't reconize me

The eyes have certain gestures
When we're lovin
To ask each other
Do you want it
Do you want me
I want it
It is you
You are where
I want to be

good bye?

I saw my nan today. She was sleeping when I got there. She was talking in her sleep & twitching. It made me nervous. I sat there quietly crying. She woke up after about 15 minutes. Completely lucid. I pulled my chair right up to the bed & rested my head at the side of her. She asked how L was. I told her she was better. I tried not to cry infront of her, but I couldn't help it, a few tears slipped out. She asked why I was crying & I told I was scared. She told me not to be. She told me I have a wonderful husband, two beautifuls daughters, an amazing mother & a good life ahead of me. We talked about family & being a mother. I got to tell her that I admire her. I got to tell her that I'm greatful for everything she's done. We got to spend some good quality time together, talking just me & her. She started to get some pain in her lower back. She explained some of the stuff she's feeling & how she tried to cope. Eventually the pain got too much & she asked me to get the nurse. She got some meds & went straight to sleep. I stayed for awhile hoping she would wake back up so I could tell her I was leaving. She was doing a lot of talking. She said "the pain, it's all through my body & they can't make it stop. I just want to put my hands up to my head (& actually put her hands to her head-in her sleep) and scream. I know it won't help." Then minutes later she was laughing. She started talking about santa, & "that mrs. Claus, she's such a busy broad." She opened her eyes at one point & said "I'm just going to have a nap. Why don't you come up here and have a nap too." -which kinda made me chuckle. She was laughing & talking. It was like comedy hour in her head. She was laughing like she was a child. Genuinely laughing. I was kind of panicking at this point. I was wishing I had said my goodbye before she had the meds. I stayed for a bit hoping she would wake up. Eventually I decided to go. The noise of me moving my chair back woke her. Again she was lucid. I told her I was going to leave. She thanked me for coming & told me she'd see me next time. I gave her a hug & kiss. We said our I love you's. I started to walk away, but had to turn around. I gave her another big hug & just stayed there for a moment. It took me three tries to get out of the room. I am happy with the way the visit went. It was exactly how I wanted to say goodbye. Now I'm just trying to accept that I am not going to see her again. That thought breaks my heart. I want today to be my last memory. It was a nice memory that means a lot to me. I don't know if I'm ready to accept that I won't see her again. I might go back, I'm just scared of seeing her get worse. I think I might go back if she does slip into a coma. I don't know.

knight in shining armor

I really did marry an amazing man. He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. We have been together for over 10 years. We have had our share of problems, but they have only made us stronger as a couple. I never could have imagined that I would be so in love. To love someone so much, and have them return that love is mind blowing. It took us 10 years to get here, but we made it. We are both in this 100%.

This past year has been very hard for me. I have been battling with depression & anxiety, both of which were new to me so I was completely unprepared for the effects they would have. He has been so unbelievably supportive. I don't think there is anything more he could have possibily done to help me. He has been my rock. He has picked me up off the floor, dusted me off & made me trust that everything is going to be ok. Anything I have needed, he has done. He has done it without complaining, without being asked, without resentment. He does it out of love. He genuinely loves me. He wants the best for me. He will do anything in his power to make sure that I am happy. I am truly blessed to have found such a beautiful soul.

horrible news

No one had told my Nan about the cancer. It was unanimously decided that we would wait until after she was done her treatment for the pnemonia & infection. She is done those treatments. She asked my mom this morning for the honest truth about what is wrong. My mom told her. She calmly asked her options. My mom explained. She has chosen to take herself off dialysis on Monday. After that she will live 4-10 days, if she does not have a heart attack first. She will go through withdrawl on the first two days, that will be very hard on her body. After that they think she will just slip into a coma & die. I am going to see her, for what could potentially be the last time, tomorrow. I really want to see her on my own. I have this whole thing played out in my head. Things I want to ask her, things I want to say, time I want to spend just me & her. I have a very large family & know the chances of getting any time alone with her are slim to none, but I am hoping. I am worried that if I don't get that time with her, that I am not going to get the closure I feel I need. I am very worried for my mother. I am very worried that I am not going to be strong enough.

lately

I'm higher than high
Lower than deep
Doin' it wrong
Singin' along

nana banana

Saw my nan today. Her appearance-worse. She looks like she's dying. She looks like her body is shutting down. Her personality-good. She was my nan again. She was not some crazed drugged up stranger. She was the nan I love. We took the girls up. I think she liked that. Overall a good visit.

incase you were wondering....

K's orientation went amazing - except for the part where I was told she might not get into that school. Wtf. She was wonderful though. An absolute darling. I am very proud of her. *fingers crossed she is accepted-she's out of area & there might not be a spot availlable*

My spider bite is STILL BUGGING ME. It's red with lots of little bumps & is itchy.

K got 2 mosquito bites on her leg this weekend. The poor kid doesn't react well to bug bites - her leg has nearly doubled in size. It looks really painful.

My nan is doing better. She has had a few bad times, but she is getting better everyday. She asks to go outside everyday. she is more coherent & happier.

right this moment

I don't want to get up & have a shower.
I don't want to get up & pack my lunch for tomorrow.
I don't want to go downstairs & check if the laundry is done.
I don't want to get the kids stuff packed for tomorrow.
I don't want to do anything.......
Except stay in bed & eat a mountain of junk food.
Literally a mountain. I want to eat junk food until I puke.

makes my heart smile

My friend was a rough biker type. He did a lot of things he shouldn't have. Real nice guy, just got caught up in the wrong crowd (his whole life). Anyways, I would party there & usually just spend the night. At about 9 o'clock in the morning, there would be circus music blaring & feet stomping back & forth (I slept in the basement). The first time this happened it kinda freaked me out. I crept upstairs, and opened the basement door to see him scurrying around cleaning everything up. I thought 'wow he's on something' & went back to bed. Then next weekend 9 am, circus music again. This time I went upstairs & asked 'what the bleep are you doing?' His reply 'just cleaning. I like to put this on because it makes me move faster - you don't really feel like sitting down & resting while this is on, do ya?'. haha. one of my favourites.

delayed reaction

Yesterday I took L back to the doctors & he sent us up the the hospital to have her assessed. I got a little teary-eyed on the drive, but mostly kept it together. Emerg wasn't too busy thank goodness. *side note-most of the people that were there were crazy people all drugged out. I felt a little nervous a couple times.* because L is a baby, we didn't have to wait long. The doctor came in ordered some tests & an iv. Still under control. Then the nurse came in to do her iv. She wrapped her up tight in a blanket, leaving her one hand out. I had to help hold her still (along with another nurse) while she put the iv in. There is nothing the could have really prepared me for that moment. I was hold my baby girl down flat on a table & she screamed her heart out in pain. I had to look in her terrified eyes. She looked at me with those helpless eyes & I looked back. I wanted desperately to pick her up & tell it's ok. The first iv didn't work so we had to do it all over again on the other side. They wrapped her arm all up, so she couldn't pull it out. Then I got to pick her up. I hugged her tight & didn't let her go. I literally did not put her down for the rest of the day (except when I had to check her urine bag occassionally). I know it was just an iv, & many parents have to deal with much worse. My heart truly goes out to them. I caught a glimpse into what their world is like, and I honestly don't know if I would be strong enough to do what those parents do. She stayed on the iv for the rest of the day, while we waited for the test results. She has a urinary tract infection. They gave antibiotics and released her. We have to force her to drink as much water as we possibly can. She threw up all night again. The dr said she could be like this for another 2-3 weeks. This kid is never going to be better. Seriously, she is always sick. My poor poor baby.

It effected my hubby a lot more than I expected. Don't get me wrong he loves his children, he's just not a sensitive/emotional guy. L was understandably scared yesterday, so all she wanted was her mama. Anyone else and she was SCREAMING. Even him. It kinda made him a little sad. I felt bad. Its just cause I'm her mama, it is no reflection of him as a father. He is a good dad, not perfect, but I'm not a perfect mom either. We kinda work on things together & balance each other. We got in bed & just sat there, both kinda thinking 'wow that was intense'. He admitted he was a little nervous about going to sleep. He was worried about the dreams he would have after seeing her like that. My poor hubby.

song choice

Crazy Mary

She lived on a curve
in an old tar paper shack
on the south side of the town
on the wrong side of the tracks
sometimes on the way into town
we'd say "mama can we stop & give her a ride?"
sometimes we did,
but her hands flew from her side.
wild eyed
crazy
mary

down a long dirt road
past the parsons place
an old blue car
we used to race
a little country store with a sign tacked to the side
said "no l-o-i-t-e-r-i-n-g allowed"
underneith that sign always congregated quite a crowd

take a bottle drink it down
pass it around
take a bottle drink it down
pass it around
pass it a
take a bottle drink in down
pass it a pass it a pass it around

one night a thunder cracked
mercy backed outside her windowsill
dreamed i was flying
high above the trees over the hills
looked down into the house of mary
bare bulbs on newspaper covered walls
mary rising up above it all

next morning on the way into town
saw some skid marks followed them around
over the curve through the hills into the house of mary
that what you fear the most
could meet you halfway
that what you fear the most
could meet you halfway

take a bottle drink it down
pass it around
take a bottle drink it down
pass it around pass it a
take a bottle drink it down
pass it a pass it a pass it around

L is still sick. I called the health line. They told me to get to the doctors in the next 3-4 hours. I went to the doctor & he said bring her back on Friday. If she is not better by Friday, he wants to get her on an I.V. I wanted to ask him what the fuck am I supposed to do until then & follow it up with a foot stomp (my fav fighting move) and eye poke, but I restrained.

Things are super stressful for the hubbster right now. He's got huge things going on at work. He's working long hours. He's super frustrated. I feel bad for him.

K has kindergarten orientation tomorrow. She is super excited. I'm excited for her. I am super happy I get to go with her. I just hope she behaves, with all the chaos going on lately, she's picked up a bit of a bad attitude. I can't blame her though, things have been all over the place. I'll let you know how it goes.

eyes burning...must sleep

About 30 minutes after my near death experience (last nights spider bite) L started barfing again. She continued barfing about every 20 minutes for the next 3.5 hours. I had made arrangements for my mother in-law to watch the kids today so that I could make an appearance at work, before they fire me. I'll do a quick timeline to recap for those who missed previous posts.
7 pm - L pukes up her entire dinner
830pm - L pukes up her bottle
1130pm- L finally falls asleep
130am - this crazy man eating spider decided to have my elbow for dinner.
2 am - L pukes
220am - L pukes
250am-more puking
310am-dry heaving
...........continues on every 20/30 minutes. Adding a little shivering & crying here & there.
530 am-L finishes and falls asleep
645 am alarm goes off.
Horrible. My eyes are burning. My stomach is hurting (I don't handle vomit well). My heart is breaking (nothing is worse than watching your baby be so sick). I made it through though. Stayed the whole day at work. I didn't cry (a typical occurence when I'm exhausted). L is still brutal sick. Her fever was back up to 103 today. She is refusing to eat any solid foods & will not drink any liquids. She's sleeping peacefully right now. I am blogging because I'm too tired to sleep... that and I'm afraid to sleep. I'm afraid that I am so tired that I won't hear her if she wakes up. Or her fever will go back up, and because she has nothing in her she'll dehydrate. I know I'm no good to her if I'm tired, so I'm going to try to sleep even if its only a nap.
And fyi. My elbow is still sensitive from that bite.

the itsy bitsy spider

I was just bit by a fucking spider. Hardcore bit. Woke me out of a deep sleep bit. My whole arm is burning. Wtf. I am so pissed off right now. Well pissed/paranoid. What if it was a poisonous spider? I do not know what you are supposed to do when you are bit by a poisonous spider. There's the bit bump, then it's red all around it. It's hot to the touch & the whole area feels tingly like it's burnt.
Icing on the cake.

i wasn't joking when I said there was wee bit of a problem

L is still really sick. I took her to the dr today. He referred her to an ears nose throat specialist. She woke up from her nap with a fever of 103.3. She threw up her dinner. She threw up her bottle. We decided to set up the playpen & have her sleep in our room. I was setting up the playpen. The hubby brought L upstairs. He put her down on our bed while he grabbed some blankets. He put on treehouse for her. As he was walking out of the room, he turned to her and said "don't get used to treehouse being on in this room. I'm letting you watch it for 5 min right now because you're sick". Seriously. He felt the need to let his 14 month old sick daughter know that she should not expect to ever watch her show again. Remote control freak.

They are gonna give us 2 weeks to say goodbye to my nan, and then take her off dialysis. She was happy today. My mom went up. My nan was sitting up in bed, smiling. She had a shower, and asking to go for a drive. They couldn't take for a drive, but they did put her in a wheel chair and took her for a walk in the park. Mom said she was very happy.

I went out for a bit last night! I went to the pre-party of my gf's bachlorette. It was fun. I love hanging out with just the girls. It was good to laugh again. My cheeks hurt from laughing. It was good to feel normal again.

part 2 - please kick me while i am down

I just got off the phone with my dad. My papa (who is currently recovering from a stroke) just found out the he has 2 things of cancer in his lungs & in his bladder. He is too weak to receive any treatment. He is not in any pain, but there is nothing they can do for him. On the plus side: when he had his stroke his brain went back in time, but he is now in the 80's. That means that I am now alive in his memories. Apparently, this is good, & can mean that he is getting stronger. My father is in denial, and I let him stay there without questioning any of it.

debbie downer

thats me lately. Debbie flipping downer. I can't wait for this endless stream of crap to be over. My nana is worse. They are having a family meeting to decide when they are going to take her off dialysis. Once they take her off, she's got 4-10 days. My mom is devasted. I am so worried about her. I think I'm mostly numb.

L has the flu. I am home from work today (missing my last day of training) washing all the puked on clothes, sheets, & blankets from last night. All i can smell is vomit. It's disgusting. I have had little to no sleep. I am either getting the bug, or all this stress is just starting to take a physical toll on my body.

I was supposed to be going to my friends bachlorette party tomorrow & then to another friends jack & jill. I was really really looking forward to it. I doubt that is going to happen.

This is going to be my last weekend as debbie. Monday morning I will be singing "ain't nothin gonna break my stride. nobody's gonna slow me down. oh no. I've got to keep on movin"

eye of the tiger

They have taken my nan off the crazy cancer drug. She is not on any pain medicine. They took out her bathroom bag. They have taken her off the oxygen. She was out of bed for an hour today (just sitting in a chair reading the paper but still). THEY are stumped. WE are happy. I am going to see her tomorrow. fingers crossed people. fingers crossed.

nana banana update

the timeline keeps getting shorter & shorter. Today her doctor says he doesnt like to make predictions, but in his opinion she might have a month left. She seemed better today. Not as heavily medicated. When we went in, she knew exactly who we were. I took the girls with me today, in hopes they might make her want to fight to get better. I also took her some gorgeous pictures of our cottage as motivation. She loved it. She also mentioned that she won't ever get to see it again. I tried to brush it off, & told her that she most certainly will see it again. God I hope she pulls through this. my nan is everything to us. she has 8 kids, 19 grandchildren & 4 great grandchildren. She is a major presence in each persons life. She has raised an amazing family that respects & loves each other. We are an extremely tight knit family, and that is due to her & my poppas guidance. We all grew up together. They don't make families like this anymore. We will still remain close, but it's just not the same. I am trying to blog about this in hopes that it will be theraputic, but no words can describe the pain i feel. my whole body aches.

if you had a crystal ball - would you use it?

The doctors are saying that my nan is not going to be released. They say she is going to be moved to palitive care (spelling?). Supposedly she is terminal & not going to even get well enough to go home. I saw her today. She was sleeping when I got there. Me & my cousin kinda stood there waiting. She looked better than we expected. She looked better than she did last Friday. That was a bit of relief. The nurse came in and gave us an update : she hasn't eaten all day & her sugar has gone down to 3 (my nan has very high sugar). She woke her up & told her to eat. We got her to eat 2 grapes but then she stopped she said it hurt. She doesn't want to eat because it hurts to keep it down. Then she just stared. Stared like we weren't even in the room. Stared like she was at home looking out the window at the lake. When she finally did notice we were in the room, she looked at us as if we were strangers. Like she had never seen us before in her life. Like we were random nurses coming in to give her new medicine or take her for tests. We all just stared at each other. Her waiting for us to say what we wanted. Us waiting for her to recognize us or react in some way. Then she smiled. I don't think she knew what else to do. I took that smile and ran with it. Giving her a picture my eldest coloured, and giving her some fresh liliacs cut from our garden. As soon as she saw them her whole personality changed. "Oh they've bloomed" she cried out. I took them over & held them under her nose. She took a deep breath in. "Beautiful. So beautiful" closing her eyes she took another deep breath in. I'm glad I took them. It was nice to see her genuinely happy, even if it was for only a minute. The rest of the visit was mostly spent with her sleeping & us sitting there. She would wake up every so often, & stare & go back to sleep. The cancer medicine they've got her on is pretty hardcore. I don't know if I want to know what the story is. If the doctors know she is going to die, I think I wish they would keep it to themselves. I am choosing not to believe them anyways. They don't know my nan. She's one heck of a fighter. I think she's got more left in her.

i think someone has a wee bit of a problem

This literally just happened (and I'm not going to lie - it actually has happened many times before)

I get out of the shower. The hubby is alseep. The t.v. is on (he has to have the tv on to sleep-horrible habit folks. It drives me CRAZY). So I pick up the remote to put on the hills. Remember, the hubby is fully asleep. So I change the channel. He wakes up & says "what are you doing?" I say "putting on my show" (making sure not to mention which show). He replies "you watch crap. I can't sleep if there's crap on."

Are you bleeping kidding me?!?! I cannot even have the remote while you're sleeping?!?!

What a typical male remote control freak. Gah.

nana banana update :(

4 months. That's what they think. She's got 4 months. How can they say that? 4 months. Apparently the cancer she has on her liver has grown substantially & based on that they came up with 4 months. Her kidneys function at around 10% and while in the hospital, the nurse who did her dialysis did not clean up properly before doing it, & so now she has an infection. My mom & uncle (depending on who is with her) having been doing her dialysis for 4 years now & she has not gotten one single infection. She is in the hospital & gets an infection. Go figure. They plan to treat the infection & the pnemonia & send her home so she can spend her last days at the cottage. Her last days. Our last days.

it'll eat you alive

My nan is in the hospital. She has pnemonia. She is 78 years old. She has a lot of health problems, so this is not good. I don't know if I could handle it if she didn't make it through this. She has been a very big part of my life. She has raised an amazing family. The thing that makes it all worse (as if it could get worse) is that it was my kid that got her sick. How brutal is that. My nan lives with my mom for the fall/winter/spring. And my mom watches my girls while I'm at work. L has been sick for about a month & gave it to my nan about 2 weeks ago. I am going to visit her on Wednesday. It's going to be really hard. My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do.

random thought

Choreographed dance makes me very happy. Spontaneous dancing is even better.

song choice

Satelitte Mind

Hold it
I'm about to drop off.
Let me tell you
My last thought
Drift into a deep fog
Lost where I forgot to
Hold it, I can feel you
Most when I'm alone

Coming home cause I want to
Hang out with the starlet
Stare up at the ceiling
Preview of a screening
Flashback of a feeling
Sixth sense of a call. I
Heard you fuck through the wall. I
Heard you fuck. When I bored,
I send virations
In your direction
Through a satelitte mind.

on a roll....

My amazing day :
*sold a bunch of supplies at work & made $75 commissions (my job isn't really a sales job, so this was amazing)
*got sweet tickets to Metric - centre stage row H. Fucking awesome. I seriously can't wait.
*got approved for the training program I requested at work.
*got to spend the afternoon outside, helping clean up the community. It felt good to help out.
*won a tshirt for participating in the "clean up our community" project
*my mom bought dinner.
*L is feeling better & back to her normal self

I should have bought a lottery ticket.

take a deep breath

In-laws. Can't live with them can't live without them. Ones going through menopause are especially hard to live with. Don't get me wrong - I love my in-laws. Sometimes they are just very difficult. Sometimes they make me want to sell the house & move to a far off land where they don't have phones or internet or even mail services, then I couldn't be blamed for not calling/emailing/sending a change of address card/or missing Sunday dinner.

I almost squeezed her little head off...

K spent Saturday night at my mother inlaws house. We go there for Sunday dinner every week. When I got their Sunday afternoon, she was busy playing. She glanced up to see who was coming in the room, & when her eyes got to me, a huge smile filled her face. She ran over immediately gave me a big hug & said "wow mom, you look very pretty". I love her.

smells like worms...

I have always been scared of going crazy. I don't know why. I don't know when it started.
I used to always wonder why the "crazy" people didn't just get it together. Now I understand. You have no control. No matter how bad you want to, no matter how hard you try, it doesn't matter if you put every fiber of your being into it, when there's something wrong with your mind, you can't just "fix it". It's like you're not you. The popular rain cloud description is a very good description - but what they don't tell is the raindrops aren't just normal raindrops, they're dark grey drops filled with all the sadness in the world. They seep into your skin. They make everything they touch die a little. The more rain the harder it is to fight it. Luckily, I am sometimes handed an umbrella. My husband - J -my mother my daughters -K & L- & one of my best friends -M- are the spokes in my umbrella. At some point in the last year each of them has shielded me & given me the strength to fight the rain. Without each of those people, I do not know if I would have made it through the last year. And that is this most honest statement I have written so far. They have seen me through my darkest most lonely days. They have been there, without judgement. They have been patient & understanding. They have been my everything. Like I said before you can't just "fix it", so when my umbrella can't protect me, they help me try to sing in the rain instead.

why did the boy throw the clock out the window?

I am lying in bed trying to update my resume. My hubby is putting K to bed. For easter she got a set of space books, and tonight she picked the Moon one. She just turned 4 and could not be more interested in reading. She is getting very good at it. It blows my mind to listen to her read. We have not read the moon book before, yet she reads it with little trouble. I am extremely proud of her. It seems like only yesterday, we were bringing her home, & now she's so grown up. My heart could burst....

oh geez

I can't help it but I feel inappropriate eating a banana at work.

5-4-3-2-1....... ****kaboooooooom****

Bloggity blogged blogger bloggest. I have not forgotten about this. I have been SO ridiculously busy, I haven't literally not had a spare moment. I do not even have one right now. There are a million things I am supposed to be doing right now. I feel like I am running on empty. Things are non-stop around here. Here's the jist of the last 2-3 weeks....
1) I WENT BACK TO WORK. It was very hard. I haven't written about it yet, but I had really bad post partum depression after having my 2nd daughter - L - The depression was bad, but the anxiety unmanageable. So there I was, driving to work that first morning, I saw the sign saying my exit was next... and BAM it hit me. The horrible anxiety. the panic. the get me home now, I don't care if I have to walk 4 hours to get there, I just need to go there now. I grabbed the phone & called my mom. Yup 28 years old and calling my mom. Haven't lived with her for 4 years, but she's my mom. I knew her voice would help. It did. It got me calm enough to continue driving to work. I made it to work. I survived the day. I am now happy to be back.
2)L turned 1! The weekend after I started back to work, I threw my 2nd daughters first birthday party. I have a big family, & we celebrate everything together. We had about 50-60 people over. It was pretty crazy. Everyone had a good time, & it was lovely to see them all.
3)I WENT BACK TO WORK. holy crap. Working makes the day so long. I have to be out of the house by 730 am. Drop the girls off by 8. Start work 845. Finish work 5 (usually 530 by the time I'm actually out of there). Pick the girls up 6. Go home 630. Eat dinner. Clean up. Bath time for the girls 8. Get the girls in bed 830. Shower time for me. Get everything organized to do it again. Bed 10. How do I fit anything else in there. My PVR misses me. It's going to be full soon. I miss my friends. I miss my husband.
*** side note. My husband is the greatest. He has been a huge help through all of this. He gets up with us in the morning & helps get the girls ready. He comes home from work & cleans up around the house, so I don't have to worry about doing it when I get home. He's even been starting dinner so that it is mostly ready when we get home. He knows how hard it was for me to go back to work, and he is doing his best to make the transition easier on me. I love the shit of him.
4)Easter weekend/Hockey Game. hectic hectic hectic. but super amazing. My husband's boss gave us tickets to the nhl game in our area. I have never been to see an nhl game. I was excited (but also had anxiety). So Saturday afternoon we had to go to my aunts house (it was my side's easter dinner). We had a quick visit with everyone & left the girls with my mom while we went to the game. The seats were amazing. Center ice row 13. I love doing anything just me & the hubby. Then we had to pick up the girls & get them home so the easter bunny could come. Woke up easter morning did the egg hunt thing, & went to the inlaws for their easter dinner. Fantastic weekend, but no free time.

one more day =(

Tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave.
This is my forth try at this post. I can't seem to get it right. There are so many things going through my head right now.
That's it. I give up. I'll try again tomorrow.

Reality

I have an AMAZING family. Seriously amazing. My aunts & uncles like extra parents, and my cousins like brothers & sisters. Sometimes I forget that not all families are as awesome as mine. I am very lucky.

PVR'ing

I love PVR. Currently on my PVR list:
-General Hospital (obviously)
-Parenthood
-America's Next Top Model
-Cougar Town
-Melrose Place

I am EXTREMELY sad that The Beautiful Life got cancelled & even more upset that Southland is not airing in Canada. I think knowing that the show is still on, but I just don't get to watch it, is horribly unfair. Dreamy Ben Mckenzie was not even the only reason I watched it. It may have been the reason I turned it on the first time, but I continued watching because it was actually an amazing show. I think I am going to write a letter.

Bribes - What Kind of Mother Have I Become???

I never thought I would be the kind of mother that would bribe my children to do the simplest of tasks. Today I realized that I have become 'that' kind of parent. The kind that will whisper quietly to their child, 'We can go to grandma's after if you behave nicely' or 'If you don't give me any attitude when it's time to leave(whatever fun event we are going to), you can have a surprize when you get in the car.' When did this happen to me? It's not all the time, but it is often enough.
My 4yr -K- just started gymnastics. I'm super excited because she loves it, but also because I know she is going to be on her best behaviour for the next 10 weeks.

Man Over Board!

Once you're behind in the cash flow dept. it's impossible to catch up. The drowning feeling that comes with debt, is one of the worst, but the guilt when you're the one bringing down the team definitely surpasses it. I have pretty much curbed the shopaholic in me, but I waited until it was too late. I do not make a heap of cash. I have accumulated a fair amount of debt over the years, and am finding it near impossible to get out. We are getting a new window in our bedroom, & my husband had me put my half of the $ in an envelope which he hid. He knows me very well, & figured this was the best way to ensure I didn't spend it. Unfortunately, something happened & he had to tell me where it was hidden. I have gradually taken about 1/3 of it out (to buy stuff for the house, or formula, or groceries). Anyways, he looked in the envelope today, before I had a chance to put it back. I was so ashamed. As soon as I saw him with the envelope in his hand, my stomach dropped & I swear I almost threw up. After hearing my explanation, he went to put the envelope back, stopped & instead put it in his pocket. It is a shitty feeling when your husband doesn't trust you, and is completely justified in it.

I changed into my stretch pants & went to the valley. After running the stairs with a gf, I've come up with a plan. I am going to hand over financial control to my husband. Wish me luck. This is going to be a big adjustment, but I think it will really help. Something here needs to change.

Just sayin'

Eddie Vedder & Emily Haines are, in my opinion, the sexiest man & woman on the planet. Both are insanely talented & have voices that can give me goosebumps. I think they should get together and make a baby. A super baby.

Location. Location. Location.

When purchasing a house, one should consider all aspects of the LOCATION. My hubby & I bought our first house two years ago, and did no research into the location of our new home. Lucky, we ended up with a real gem! It takes about 10 minutes to walk to "the valley". I know what you're thinking ... oooooooo the valley. Big wup ..... but truthfully, I couldn't be happier about it. There are always people down there going for a stroll. Everyone says 'hi' as they pass. The scenery is beautiful. The air is clean & fresh. We took the girls down there for a walk this evening. It was a perfect way to spend the evening of my last Wednesday off.

My Last Wednesday off

Things have really changed in the last year. I had my second child. I lost my mind. Now here we are.
I return to work in a week.