good bye?

I saw my nan today. She was sleeping when I got there. She was talking in her sleep & twitching. It made me nervous. I sat there quietly crying. She woke up after about 15 minutes. Completely lucid. I pulled my chair right up to the bed & rested my head at the side of her. She asked how L was. I told her she was better. I tried not to cry infront of her, but I couldn't help it, a few tears slipped out. She asked why I was crying & I told I was scared. She told me not to be. She told me I have a wonderful husband, two beautifuls daughters, an amazing mother & a good life ahead of me. We talked about family & being a mother. I got to tell her that I admire her. I got to tell her that I'm greatful for everything she's done. We got to spend some good quality time together, talking just me & her. She started to get some pain in her lower back. She explained some of the stuff she's feeling & how she tried to cope. Eventually the pain got too much & she asked me to get the nurse. She got some meds & went straight to sleep. I stayed for awhile hoping she would wake back up so I could tell her I was leaving. She was doing a lot of talking. She said "the pain, it's all through my body & they can't make it stop. I just want to put my hands up to my head (& actually put her hands to her head-in her sleep) and scream. I know it won't help." Then minutes later she was laughing. She started talking about santa, & "that mrs. Claus, she's such a busy broad." She opened her eyes at one point & said "I'm just going to have a nap. Why don't you come up here and have a nap too." -which kinda made me chuckle. She was laughing & talking. It was like comedy hour in her head. She was laughing like she was a child. Genuinely laughing. I was kind of panicking at this point. I was wishing I had said my goodbye before she had the meds. I stayed for a bit hoping she would wake up. Eventually I decided to go. The noise of me moving my chair back woke her. Again she was lucid. I told her I was going to leave. She thanked me for coming & told me she'd see me next time. I gave her a hug & kiss. We said our I love you's. I started to walk away, but had to turn around. I gave her another big hug & just stayed there for a moment. It took me three tries to get out of the room. I am happy with the way the visit went. It was exactly how I wanted to say goodbye. Now I'm just trying to accept that I am not going to see her again. That thought breaks my heart. I want today to be my last memory. It was a nice memory that means a lot to me. I don't know if I'm ready to accept that I won't see her again. I might go back, I'm just scared of seeing her get worse. I think I might go back if she does slip into a coma. I don't know.