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I miss my Nan.

I will do a proper memorial when I feel strong enough.

For now I just miss her. I miss that she won't be here for thanksgiving. It sucks that she is not here to celebrate my promotion at work. I know that she would have been proud. My daughter just started junior kindegarten. It sucks that she is not there when she gets home from school everyday. She would have loved to see all her school work & loved to hear the stories of the playground. It sucks that she is not here to see my youngest learn to talk and watch her dance her heart out anytime there is music on. It sucks that she is no longer there to be a friend to my mom. She was the biggest inspiration in so many peoples lives.

It sucks that she's gone. It sucks that my first post after her death isn't the lovely memorial I wanted to write. I am not able to write anything beautiful yet. I'm stuck in sucksville. It sucks big time.

i know I'm probably jinxing myself but....

I am so in love. Really truly, 100% in love. As corny as it is, I have married my soulmate. We are perfect for each other. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

and just when I thought I was out.... they pulled me back in.

I love you.....
Too intense. I don't think there is a pill in the world that could fix this mess.

good bye?

I saw my nan today. She was sleeping when I got there. She was talking in her sleep & twitching. It made me nervous. I sat there quietly crying. She woke up after about 15 minutes. Completely lucid. I pulled my chair right up to the bed & rested my head at the side of her. She asked how L was. I told her she was better. I tried not to cry infront of her, but I couldn't help it, a few tears slipped out. She asked why I was crying & I told I was scared. She told me not to be. She told me I have a wonderful husband, two beautifuls daughters, an amazing mother & a good life ahead of me. We talked about family & being a mother. I got to tell her that I admire her. I got to tell her that I'm greatful for everything she's done. We got to spend some good quality time together, talking just me & her. She started to get some pain in her lower back. She explained some of the stuff she's feeling & how she tried to cope. Eventually the pain got too much & she asked me to get the nurse. She got some meds & went straight to sleep. I stayed for awhile hoping she would wake back up so I could tell her I was leaving. She was doing a lot of talking. She said "the pain, it's all through my body & they can't make it stop. I just want to put my hands up to my head (& actually put her hands to her head-in her sleep) and scream. I know it won't help." Then minutes later she was laughing. She started talking about santa, & "that mrs. Claus, she's such a busy broad." She opened her eyes at one point & said "I'm just going to have a nap. Why don't you come up here and have a nap too." -which kinda made me chuckle. She was laughing & talking. It was like comedy hour in her head. She was laughing like she was a child. Genuinely laughing. I was kind of panicking at this point. I was wishing I had said my goodbye before she had the meds. I stayed for a bit hoping she would wake up. Eventually I decided to go. The noise of me moving my chair back woke her. Again she was lucid. I told her I was going to leave. She thanked me for coming & told me she'd see me next time. I gave her a hug & kiss. We said our I love you's. I started to walk away, but had to turn around. I gave her another big hug & just stayed there for a moment. It took me three tries to get out of the room. I am happy with the way the visit went. It was exactly how I wanted to say goodbye. Now I'm just trying to accept that I am not going to see her again. That thought breaks my heart. I want today to be my last memory. It was a nice memory that means a lot to me. I don't know if I'm ready to accept that I won't see her again. I might go back, I'm just scared of seeing her get worse. I think I might go back if she does slip into a coma. I don't know.

knight in shining armor

I really did marry an amazing man. He is not perfect, but he is perfect for me. We have been together for over 10 years. We have had our share of problems, but they have only made us stronger as a couple. I never could have imagined that I would be so in love. To love someone so much, and have them return that love is mind blowing. It took us 10 years to get here, but we made it. We are both in this 100%.

This past year has been very hard for me. I have been battling with depression & anxiety, both of which were new to me so I was completely unprepared for the effects they would have. He has been so unbelievably supportive. I don't think there is anything more he could have possibily done to help me. He has been my rock. He has picked me up off the floor, dusted me off & made me trust that everything is going to be ok. Anything I have needed, he has done. He has done it without complaining, without being asked, without resentment. He does it out of love. He genuinely loves me. He wants the best for me. He will do anything in his power to make sure that I am happy. I am truly blessed to have found such a beautiful soul.

horrible news

No one had told my Nan about the cancer. It was unanimously decided that we would wait until after she was done her treatment for the pnemonia & infection. She is done those treatments. She asked my mom this morning for the honest truth about what is wrong. My mom told her. She calmly asked her options. My mom explained. She has chosen to take herself off dialysis on Monday. After that she will live 4-10 days, if she does not have a heart attack first. She will go through withdrawl on the first two days, that will be very hard on her body. After that they think she will just slip into a coma & die. I am going to see her, for what could potentially be the last time, tomorrow. I really want to see her on my own. I have this whole thing played out in my head. Things I want to ask her, things I want to say, time I want to spend just me & her. I have a very large family & know the chances of getting any time alone with her are slim to none, but I am hoping. I am worried that if I don't get that time with her, that I am not going to get the closure I feel I need. I am very worried for my mother. I am very worried that I am not going to be strong enough.

nana banana

Saw my nan today. Her appearance-worse. She looks like she's dying. She looks like her body is shutting down. Her personality-good. She was my nan again. She was not some crazed drugged up stranger. She was the nan I love. We took the girls up. I think she liked that. Overall a good visit.

delayed reaction

Yesterday I took L back to the doctors & he sent us up the the hospital to have her assessed. I got a little teary-eyed on the drive, but mostly kept it together. Emerg wasn't too busy thank goodness. *side note-most of the people that were there were crazy people all drugged out. I felt a little nervous a couple times.* because L is a baby, we didn't have to wait long. The doctor came in ordered some tests & an iv. Still under control. Then the nurse came in to do her iv. She wrapped her up tight in a blanket, leaving her one hand out. I had to help hold her still (along with another nurse) while she put the iv in. There is nothing the could have really prepared me for that moment. I was hold my baby girl down flat on a table & she screamed her heart out in pain. I had to look in her terrified eyes. She looked at me with those helpless eyes & I looked back. I wanted desperately to pick her up & tell it's ok. The first iv didn't work so we had to do it all over again on the other side. They wrapped her arm all up, so she couldn't pull it out. Then I got to pick her up. I hugged her tight & didn't let her go. I literally did not put her down for the rest of the day (except when I had to check her urine bag occassionally). I know it was just an iv, & many parents have to deal with much worse. My heart truly goes out to them. I caught a glimpse into what their world is like, and I honestly don't know if I would be strong enough to do what those parents do. She stayed on the iv for the rest of the day, while we waited for the test results. She has a urinary tract infection. They gave antibiotics and released her. We have to force her to drink as much water as we possibly can. She threw up all night again. The dr said she could be like this for another 2-3 weeks. This kid is never going to be better. Seriously, she is always sick. My poor poor baby.

It effected my hubby a lot more than I expected. Don't get me wrong he loves his children, he's just not a sensitive/emotional guy. L was understandably scared yesterday, so all she wanted was her mama. Anyone else and she was SCREAMING. Even him. It kinda made him a little sad. I felt bad. Its just cause I'm her mama, it is no reflection of him as a father. He is a good dad, not perfect, but I'm not a perfect mom either. We kinda work on things together & balance each other. We got in bed & just sat there, both kinda thinking 'wow that was intense'. He admitted he was a little nervous about going to sleep. He was worried about the dreams he would have after seeing her like that. My poor hubby.

L is still sick. I called the health line. They told me to get to the doctors in the next 3-4 hours. I went to the doctor & he said bring her back on Friday. If she is not better by Friday, he wants to get her on an I.V. I wanted to ask him what the fuck am I supposed to do until then & follow it up with a foot stomp (my fav fighting move) and eye poke, but I restrained.

Things are super stressful for the hubbster right now. He's got huge things going on at work. He's working long hours. He's super frustrated. I feel bad for him.

K has kindergarten orientation tomorrow. She is super excited. I'm excited for her. I am super happy I get to go with her. I just hope she behaves, with all the chaos going on lately, she's picked up a bit of a bad attitude. I can't blame her though, things have been all over the place. I'll let you know how it goes.

They are gonna give us 2 weeks to say goodbye to my nan, and then take her off dialysis. She was happy today. My mom went up. My nan was sitting up in bed, smiling. She had a shower, and asking to go for a drive. They couldn't take for a drive, but they did put her in a wheel chair and took her for a walk in the park. Mom said she was very happy.

I went out for a bit last night! I went to the pre-party of my gf's bachlorette. It was fun. I love hanging out with just the girls. It was good to laugh again. My cheeks hurt from laughing. It was good to feel normal again.

nana banana update

the timeline keeps getting shorter & shorter. Today her doctor says he doesnt like to make predictions, but in his opinion she might have a month left. She seemed better today. Not as heavily medicated. When we went in, she knew exactly who we were. I took the girls with me today, in hopes they might make her want to fight to get better. I also took her some gorgeous pictures of our cottage as motivation. She loved it. She also mentioned that she won't ever get to see it again. I tried to brush it off, & told her that she most certainly will see it again. God I hope she pulls through this. my nan is everything to us. she has 8 kids, 19 grandchildren & 4 great grandchildren. She is a major presence in each persons life. She has raised an amazing family that respects & loves each other. We are an extremely tight knit family, and that is due to her & my poppas guidance. We all grew up together. They don't make families like this anymore. We will still remain close, but it's just not the same. I am trying to blog about this in hopes that it will be theraputic, but no words can describe the pain i feel. my whole body aches.

if you had a crystal ball - would you use it?

The doctors are saying that my nan is not going to be released. They say she is going to be moved to palitive care (spelling?). Supposedly she is terminal & not going to even get well enough to go home. I saw her today. She was sleeping when I got there. Me & my cousin kinda stood there waiting. She looked better than we expected. She looked better than she did last Friday. That was a bit of relief. The nurse came in and gave us an update : she hasn't eaten all day & her sugar has gone down to 3 (my nan has very high sugar). She woke her up & told her to eat. We got her to eat 2 grapes but then she stopped she said it hurt. She doesn't want to eat because it hurts to keep it down. Then she just stared. Stared like we weren't even in the room. Stared like she was at home looking out the window at the lake. When she finally did notice we were in the room, she looked at us as if we were strangers. Like she had never seen us before in her life. Like we were random nurses coming in to give her new medicine or take her for tests. We all just stared at each other. Her waiting for us to say what we wanted. Us waiting for her to recognize us or react in some way. Then she smiled. I don't think she knew what else to do. I took that smile and ran with it. Giving her a picture my eldest coloured, and giving her some fresh liliacs cut from our garden. As soon as she saw them her whole personality changed. "Oh they've bloomed" she cried out. I took them over & held them under her nose. She took a deep breath in. "Beautiful. So beautiful" closing her eyes she took another deep breath in. I'm glad I took them. It was nice to see her genuinely happy, even if it was for only a minute. The rest of the visit was mostly spent with her sleeping & us sitting there. She would wake up every so often, & stare & go back to sleep. The cancer medicine they've got her on is pretty hardcore. I don't know if I want to know what the story is. If the doctors know she is going to die, I think I wish they would keep it to themselves. I am choosing not to believe them anyways. They don't know my nan. She's one heck of a fighter. I think she's got more left in her.

nana banana update :(

4 months. That's what they think. She's got 4 months. How can they say that? 4 months. Apparently the cancer she has on her liver has grown substantially & based on that they came up with 4 months. Her kidneys function at around 10% and while in the hospital, the nurse who did her dialysis did not clean up properly before doing it, & so now she has an infection. My mom & uncle (depending on who is with her) having been doing her dialysis for 4 years now & she has not gotten one single infection. She is in the hospital & gets an infection. Go figure. They plan to treat the infection & the pnemonia & send her home so she can spend her last days at the cottage. Her last days. Our last days.

it'll eat you alive

My nan is in the hospital. She has pnemonia. She is 78 years old. She has a lot of health problems, so this is not good. I don't know if I could handle it if she didn't make it through this. She has been a very big part of my life. She has raised an amazing family. The thing that makes it all worse (as if it could get worse) is that it was my kid that got her sick. How brutal is that. My nan lives with my mom for the fall/winter/spring. And my mom watches my girls while I'm at work. L has been sick for about a month & gave it to my nan about 2 weeks ago. I am going to visit her on Wednesday. It's going to be really hard. My heart is breaking. I don't know what to do.

smells like worms...

I have always been scared of going crazy. I don't know why. I don't know when it started.
I used to always wonder why the "crazy" people didn't just get it together. Now I understand. You have no control. No matter how bad you want to, no matter how hard you try, it doesn't matter if you put every fiber of your being into it, when there's something wrong with your mind, you can't just "fix it". It's like you're not you. The popular rain cloud description is a very good description - but what they don't tell is the raindrops aren't just normal raindrops, they're dark grey drops filled with all the sadness in the world. They seep into your skin. They make everything they touch die a little. The more rain the harder it is to fight it. Luckily, I am sometimes handed an umbrella. My husband - J -my mother my daughters -K & L- & one of my best friends -M- are the spokes in my umbrella. At some point in the last year each of them has shielded me & given me the strength to fight the rain. Without each of those people, I do not know if I would have made it through the last year. And that is this most honest statement I have written so far. They have seen me through my darkest most lonely days. They have been there, without judgement. They have been patient & understanding. They have been my everything. Like I said before you can't just "fix it", so when my umbrella can't protect me, they help me try to sing in the rain instead.

Reality

I have an AMAZING family. Seriously amazing. My aunts & uncles like extra parents, and my cousins like brothers & sisters. Sometimes I forget that not all families are as awesome as mine. I am very lucky.